Melancholy :/

Today I washed my wounds and had to tape my toes together myself. Seeing the incisions makes me quesy, seeing what's coming out of the incisions (it looks like flesh or fat or hard dried yellow-ey skin or bone shards). It scares me to death so I broke down. I loosely washed one foot and massaged some ointment in. I grabbed the second to last toe, and it feels completely disconnected from my bones. Like it's floating in my skin and it can easily bend backward. I feel terrible and this feels like the worse thing I've ever decided to do right now. I pray this feeling subsides because I truly feel like I just lost my limbs and am just so stupid to have done this to me. I haven't even washed the other yet. I am just too messed up. Everyone who I google has neat incisions. Mine are not "neat" (they were done on the side) and the skin looks so bunched. I feel like no one understands why I feel so upset. I wish I knew that someone else went through this and it did actually subside :/

*UPDATE: I called my doctor today and told her about my "breakdown". She was so awesome (I love her!) and I'm going to see her tomorrow so she can calm my nerves and make sure everything's ok. Today I applied the anti fungal cream twice and wrapped the bandages on my toes twice and I was completely ok! I hate having these moments of anxiety, but I think if you don't have them, you're not really normal! I feel like I should start my entries with "Dear Diary" going forward!

**UPDATE to my UPDATE: I don't have bone shards coming out of me. I'm just a big baby. It's flesh in the wound I saw and 2 days later, I couldn't see it anymore! Everyday the skin sheds more and more and well, I want the skin to shed! Also, the reason the skin is "bunched" is because my doctor doesn't always use pins. I believe she uses the taut side incision to hold the toe straight but also she bunches the skin with stitches because going from long to short toes, you will have extra skin. So bunching it with stitches, it forces the skin to fall off. Whew! My regret was VERY short lived :)